Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Definitions: 'Cry Method'
This is a method of teaching a baby to fall asleep without the help of their parents. 'Cry' methods are usually aimed at avoiding 'sleep associations' like breastfeeding, cuddling, rocking or patting to sleep so that babies can 'self-settle'. Some methods encourage leaving the room until the baby falls asleep, this is called 'extinction' ( not a nice connotation!). Other methods are called 'controlled crying' 'controlled comforting' or 'crying to settle'. These can vary from staying in the room talking to and touching the baby, staying in the room and avoiding eye contact, touch and speaking, or leaving the room for longer and longer intervals with brief comfort in the form of touch, verbal reassurance etc. The baby is not picked up, fed or otherwise interacted with, Typically, the baby is fed, changed and made comfortable before the crying method is implemented.
'100 ways to Calm the crying'
So, on to Pinky McKay. I know this is probably not the best Pinky McKay book to really understand Pinky but as I have a 10 week old and a toddler I just grabbed the only one available at the library and scarpered. I'm sure Pinky fans can tell me what is typical or not.
Pinky McKay falls into the 'attachment' end of the parenting spectrum, she describes herself as a former nurse and mother of five. She is very passionate about encouraging breastfeeding and what she calls 'gentle' parenting techniques. She runs her own sleep consultation practise, helping with lactation and sleep issues, so if you like her style, she offers consultations online and at her practise in Melbourne. She does a lot of writing, consulting etc, her website can tell you more.
'100 ways to calm the crying' is two things:
* A cry of the heart from parents who are struggling to care for babies that cry a lot. A lot of personal family stories are interspersed between the advice and suggestions that Pinky offers. These are compelling and will resonate with parents in the same boat.
* A big hug and a pat on the back to any readers who are feeling unsupported in their 'no cry' methods, or depressed from the constant crying; or lacking confidence in their breastfeeding, settling or mothering in general
Pinky's compelling introduction describes a moment every mother probably experiences at least once and some far too often, the moment when your baby will not stop crying and you can't either- then you wonder helplessly, 'what can I do?'.
As Pinky's book is a response to many families and others like them that she has worked with, she covers a lot of ideas and points, each running into the other, more or less systematically. First, she makes a point of trying to remove the stigma of crying. Our culture doesn't like it when babies cry and it can be difficult for mothers whose babies cry a lot, especially when they are trying to do normal things like get milk and bread or do phone banking. She explains that babies have limited communication and crying ALWAYS means something. It can be :
* Emotional ( lonely, overtired, frustrated and releasing stress)
* Environmental ( lights too bright, too many people, too noisy)
* Developmental ( constant change in baby's brain, body etc can cause upheaval=crying)
* Temperament ( baby could be sensitive, high needs ( quotes Dr Sears here)
Pinky goes on to say, like Ferber, that comforting will not spoil your child, however, she dislikes the term controlled crying and parent directed methods as she believes that people who practise these methods believe a baby is manipulating through their crying, rather than communicating. This may be a fair cop if controlled crying methods fail to listen to the cry rather than counting minutes.
Pinky then talks about what it's like for a baby in the womb and why a baby loves darkness, warmth, movement and continuous noise. She talks about how easy it is to overstimulate a young baby as this world is just too full of light and different experiences. She gives an excellent tip that I have filed away - when your baby eyes get too wide or conversely the baby suddenly falls asleep at a time when they would not usually, they may be overloaded and its time to take them to a quiet place. Babywise also talks about this kind of neurological shutdown as a kind of coping mechanism. This shutdown is a protection for babies, but a baby whose eyes are bugging out of its head with excitement has probably lost this ability and needs a cuddle in a quiet room, stat!
She outlines ways to comfort a baby, no surprises here,
*sucking ( breast, fingers, dummies if you don't mind weaning later etc)
*slings are great to keep babies warm and close to heartbeat
*natural fibres like cotton don't irritate skin
* bath is relaxing
* alternative therapies can help - osteopathy, chiropractry, aromatherapy
As I said, Pinky's ideas run together a bit and it's hard to cover them all in a summary/review without getting too wordy - but Pinky says something I wish every breastfeeding mum would hear - not to worry too much about baby's weight as long as they ARE gaining weight, having 8 wet/pooey nappies a day and seem alert and happy. Percentile charts can be stressful, especially if you have produced a petite baby - which a lot of more petite ladies do. The pressure to bottle feed when babies are lower on the percentile chart may be unhelpful as it can stress out mums and also reduce milk supply leading to unplanned weaning. However Pinky also gives some tips about how to bond if you ARE happy to bottle feed.
Bedtime rituals are all good and she makes a point of saying feeding a baby to sleep is not the unforgivable sin it is made out to be, but also gives a technique for weaning off feeding to sleep if it becomes the only way your baby can re-settle, this is cool. She suggests gentle ways to help baby sleep all night like feeding more in the day, doing a dream feed etc.
A chapter on settling techniques yields no surprises either, walk, rock, sling, drive baby - white noise, music, sing, pat baby etc - except one I had not heard of which was to ride an exercise bike with baby in a sling or carrier...Hmmmm, I wonder if they would let me do that at my gym!
Pinky's chapter on coping or not coping is very raw and talks about the range of unfortunately normal emotions that go with the very stressful situation of having a baby that cries a lot. There are many stories from parents in this chapter. If you feel like this then this book will probably make you weep.
Another strength of this book is that Pinky clearly has experience with families of crying babies who also have a toddler, and the painful emotions mothers can experience because of the guilt of not being able to play with their toddler or older child. She suggests having a special play corner for feeding and crying times.
She also suggests asking for help, expert and otherwise, but also warns that some expert help can advocate methods that you are uncomfortable with, so don't let them tell you how to parent. Example of an MBU experience where a mother was reduced to tears by a 'cry' method.
My one criticism of Pinky's book is that it is quite defensive. I understand it is a manual for parents who have been encouraged to try 'cry' methods and that these have clearly been unsuccessful and painful for the parents. I also understand that the parents have insensitively been told ( by family, experts or 'them') not to feed their baby to sleep or cuddle their baby when they are crying and that was deeply traumatic for them. However, I still think there is a place for 'cry'methods in a loving home provided baby's needs ( emotional too!) are met, but then, I don't have a baby that cries alot and feeding to sleep doesn't work on my baby either!
But more of that in subsequent posts, Pinky clearly has a message that parents need. Be confident!
Be positive! Parent how you want to and if problems arise from feeding to sleep/rocking etc, they can be changed so just enjoy your baby as much as you can, and the crying will stop one day.
Pinky McKay falls into the 'attachment' end of the parenting spectrum, she describes herself as a former nurse and mother of five. She is very passionate about encouraging breastfeeding and what she calls 'gentle' parenting techniques. She runs her own sleep consultation practise, helping with lactation and sleep issues, so if you like her style, she offers consultations online and at her practise in Melbourne. She does a lot of writing, consulting etc, her website can tell you more.
'100 ways to calm the crying' is two things:
* A cry of the heart from parents who are struggling to care for babies that cry a lot. A lot of personal family stories are interspersed between the advice and suggestions that Pinky offers. These are compelling and will resonate with parents in the same boat.
* A big hug and a pat on the back to any readers who are feeling unsupported in their 'no cry' methods, or depressed from the constant crying; or lacking confidence in their breastfeeding, settling or mothering in general
Pinky's compelling introduction describes a moment every mother probably experiences at least once and some far too often, the moment when your baby will not stop crying and you can't either- then you wonder helplessly, 'what can I do?'.
As Pinky's book is a response to many families and others like them that she has worked with, she covers a lot of ideas and points, each running into the other, more or less systematically. First, she makes a point of trying to remove the stigma of crying. Our culture doesn't like it when babies cry and it can be difficult for mothers whose babies cry a lot, especially when they are trying to do normal things like get milk and bread or do phone banking. She explains that babies have limited communication and crying ALWAYS means something. It can be :
* Emotional ( lonely, overtired, frustrated and releasing stress)
* Environmental ( lights too bright, too many people, too noisy)
* Developmental ( constant change in baby's brain, body etc can cause upheaval=crying)
* Temperament ( baby could be sensitive, high needs ( quotes Dr Sears here)
Pinky goes on to say, like Ferber, that comforting will not spoil your child, however, she dislikes the term controlled crying and parent directed methods as she believes that people who practise these methods believe a baby is manipulating through their crying, rather than communicating. This may be a fair cop if controlled crying methods fail to listen to the cry rather than counting minutes.
Pinky then talks about what it's like for a baby in the womb and why a baby loves darkness, warmth, movement and continuous noise. She talks about how easy it is to overstimulate a young baby as this world is just too full of light and different experiences. She gives an excellent tip that I have filed away - when your baby eyes get too wide or conversely the baby suddenly falls asleep at a time when they would not usually, they may be overloaded and its time to take them to a quiet place. Babywise also talks about this kind of neurological shutdown as a kind of coping mechanism. This shutdown is a protection for babies, but a baby whose eyes are bugging out of its head with excitement has probably lost this ability and needs a cuddle in a quiet room, stat!
She outlines ways to comfort a baby, no surprises here,
*sucking ( breast, fingers, dummies if you don't mind weaning later etc)
*slings are great to keep babies warm and close to heartbeat
*natural fibres like cotton don't irritate skin
* bath is relaxing
* alternative therapies can help - osteopathy, chiropractry, aromatherapy
As I said, Pinky's ideas run together a bit and it's hard to cover them all in a summary/review without getting too wordy - but Pinky says something I wish every breastfeeding mum would hear - not to worry too much about baby's weight as long as they ARE gaining weight, having 8 wet/pooey nappies a day and seem alert and happy. Percentile charts can be stressful, especially if you have produced a petite baby - which a lot of more petite ladies do. The pressure to bottle feed when babies are lower on the percentile chart may be unhelpful as it can stress out mums and also reduce milk supply leading to unplanned weaning. However Pinky also gives some tips about how to bond if you ARE happy to bottle feed.
Bedtime rituals are all good and she makes a point of saying feeding a baby to sleep is not the unforgivable sin it is made out to be, but also gives a technique for weaning off feeding to sleep if it becomes the only way your baby can re-settle, this is cool. She suggests gentle ways to help baby sleep all night like feeding more in the day, doing a dream feed etc.
A chapter on settling techniques yields no surprises either, walk, rock, sling, drive baby - white noise, music, sing, pat baby etc - except one I had not heard of which was to ride an exercise bike with baby in a sling or carrier...Hmmmm, I wonder if they would let me do that at my gym!
Pinky's chapter on coping or not coping is very raw and talks about the range of unfortunately normal emotions that go with the very stressful situation of having a baby that cries a lot. There are many stories from parents in this chapter. If you feel like this then this book will probably make you weep.
Another strength of this book is that Pinky clearly has experience with families of crying babies who also have a toddler, and the painful emotions mothers can experience because of the guilt of not being able to play with their toddler or older child. She suggests having a special play corner for feeding and crying times.
She also suggests asking for help, expert and otherwise, but also warns that some expert help can advocate methods that you are uncomfortable with, so don't let them tell you how to parent. Example of an MBU experience where a mother was reduced to tears by a 'cry' method.
My one criticism of Pinky's book is that it is quite defensive. I understand it is a manual for parents who have been encouraged to try 'cry' methods and that these have clearly been unsuccessful and painful for the parents. I also understand that the parents have insensitively been told ( by family, experts or 'them') not to feed their baby to sleep or cuddle their baby when they are crying and that was deeply traumatic for them. However, I still think there is a place for 'cry'methods in a loving home provided baby's needs ( emotional too!) are met, but then, I don't have a baby that cries alot and feeding to sleep doesn't work on my baby either!
But more of that in subsequent posts, Pinky clearly has a message that parents need. Be confident!
Be positive! Parent how you want to and if problems arise from feeding to sleep/rocking etc, they can be changed so just enjoy your baby as much as you can, and the crying will stop one day.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Ferber and 'Ferberizing'
I read Richard Ferber's book ' Solve your child's sleep problems', expecting to hate it. After all, he advocates leaving a baby to cry for long periods, alone, doesn't he? Didn't he make 'crying it out' acceptable? Maybe these distasteful ideas are in one of his other books?
Later, I read the preface, in which Ferber explains his method of 'graduated extinction' ( leaving a baby to settle for longer and longer intervals and giving 5-10 minutes of comfort at each 'visit' as a reaction against full 'extinction' methods where small babies were left in their beds until to following morning, regardless of whether the baby settled and went to sleep or was crying for the duration. Ferber has also done a lot of work with co-sleeping families and families who implement other 'attachment' methods of settling. He only urges changes when they fit with the families and their parenting ideology. What a guy!
2) Sleep associations/conditions ought not be stimulating or continuous. ( i.e baby falls asleep in moving car/swing/arms/near buzzing tv) How can a baby stay in deep sleep if the swing stops, the sucking of a dummy stops ( when it falls out) the bottle is empty or the tv changes from soothing infomercials to reruns of 'Two and a half men?' Also, the quality of sleep while in motion is less beneficial than sleep in bed/motionless place according to his studies of brainwaves. He doesn't rule out motion methods but when sleep training he recommends a bed and no tv!
Later, I read the preface, in which Ferber explains his method of 'graduated extinction' ( leaving a baby to settle for longer and longer intervals and giving 5-10 minutes of comfort at each 'visit' as a reaction against full 'extinction' methods where small babies were left in their beds until to following morning, regardless of whether the baby settled and went to sleep or was crying for the duration. Ferber has also done a lot of work with co-sleeping families and families who implement other 'attachment' methods of settling. He only urges changes when they fit with the families and their parenting ideology. What a guy!
Ferber's approach is of course, clinical, he is a pediatrican and the Director of a Pediatric Sleep Disorders Unit at a Children's Hospital. His case studies generally feature children over 6 months up to 6 years of age. His book cites actual sleep disorders diagnosed and resolved, not your average baby that cries a few times a night.
A real strength of ferber's book is his knowledge of the physiology of sleep in adults and infants. If you want to read about sleep cycles and REM and non-REM cycles, it is quite comprehensive. However, if all you want to know is 'Why does my baby wake more between the hours of 10pm and 5 am?', well, apparently babies enter deep sleep in the first part of their night and lighter sleep in the later part before re-entering deep sleep again between 5- 8 am.This is why babies may wake a lot more after a certain point but usually sleep really well in the early part of the night. It is also why babies may still demand a feed at the time despite being strapping 15 kg toddler on three hearty meals a day. These are usually the cases he works with.
Another helpful point Ferber makes is that 'naturally' our circadian clock is at odds with the 24 clock we all must work, eat, sleep and live by most of the time. 'Naturally' left to our own devices we would operate on a 25-26 hour clock, according to Ferber, which is why unless we implement a routine with babies, they take some time to 'find their own'. Some babies never find their own and toddlers have long ranging sleep problems from being allowed to follow their own 'clocks', so if you were trying to find optimum nap time every day would be like hitting a moving target and that bedtime would get later and later until it was at 2am and then eventually became 7 again, you get the idea.
Hence he encourages relatively set times for feeding and naps especially in the early days, even if these times don't really 'stick'. Don't have a cow about making baby have a X hour schedule and exactly two 2 hour naps a day and catnap, but keep persevering, as you are attempting to show an infant/child some order to give structure to their sleep.
Ferber doesn't only advocate crying methods but particularly when the disorders are extreme ( drinking 20 bottles a night and only taking a little bit then waking after 4 bottles with soaked nappies), Ferber recommends graduated ( with timed intervals set by parents and their capacity to cope) crying sleep methods. In some cases when parents do not want to use a crying method, such as the all familiar multiple bottles one above, a toddler was given fewer bottles in the night over the course of a few weeks and when the final bottle was removed, some crying 'for five minutes' over two nights occurred. Sounds ok, yes?
He gives a checklist to create good sleep habits, most of which we see echoed by the Gina Ford's, Tizzie Hall's and Tracy Hogg's of this world and it was frankly good to see where these (usually unreferenced) ideas come from. Hogg doesn't like Ferber thoughand believes he does not pay enough attention to baby temperament, ( Cooke, p.139) I can't comment on that as it wasn't really apparent from this book. However, a lot of what we know about sleep, routines and the order ( or lack thereof) of baby sleeping and waking patterns is covered by Ferber in a well laid out sort of a way.
Anyhoo, here is that checklist he advocates for teaching your baby/toddler to sleep if you're unhappy with the current state of affairs.
1) Correct the sleep association for the CHILD's benefit, not your own convenience ( i.e decide what they need and be consistent, don't pike because you are having second thoughts or chop and change to a different way each night)
A real strength of ferber's book is his knowledge of the physiology of sleep in adults and infants. If you want to read about sleep cycles and REM and non-REM cycles, it is quite comprehensive. However, if all you want to know is 'Why does my baby wake more between the hours of 10pm and 5 am?', well, apparently babies enter deep sleep in the first part of their night and lighter sleep in the later part before re-entering deep sleep again between 5- 8 am.This is why babies may wake a lot more after a certain point but usually sleep really well in the early part of the night. It is also why babies may still demand a feed at the time despite being strapping 15 kg toddler on three hearty meals a day. These are usually the cases he works with.
Another helpful point Ferber makes is that 'naturally' our circadian clock is at odds with the 24 clock we all must work, eat, sleep and live by most of the time. 'Naturally' left to our own devices we would operate on a 25-26 hour clock, according to Ferber, which is why unless we implement a routine with babies, they take some time to 'find their own'. Some babies never find their own and toddlers have long ranging sleep problems from being allowed to follow their own 'clocks', so if you were trying to find optimum nap time every day would be like hitting a moving target and that bedtime would get later and later until it was at 2am and then eventually became 7 again, you get the idea.
Hence he encourages relatively set times for feeding and naps especially in the early days, even if these times don't really 'stick'. Don't have a cow about making baby have a X hour schedule and exactly two 2 hour naps a day and catnap, but keep persevering, as you are attempting to show an infant/child some order to give structure to their sleep.
Ferber doesn't only advocate crying methods but particularly when the disorders are extreme ( drinking 20 bottles a night and only taking a little bit then waking after 4 bottles with soaked nappies), Ferber recommends graduated ( with timed intervals set by parents and their capacity to cope) crying sleep methods. In some cases when parents do not want to use a crying method, such as the all familiar multiple bottles one above, a toddler was given fewer bottles in the night over the course of a few weeks and when the final bottle was removed, some crying 'for five minutes' over two nights occurred. Sounds ok, yes?
He gives a checklist to create good sleep habits, most of which we see echoed by the Gina Ford's, Tizzie Hall's and Tracy Hogg's of this world and it was frankly good to see where these (usually unreferenced) ideas come from. Hogg doesn't like Ferber thoughand believes he does not pay enough attention to baby temperament, ( Cooke, p.139) I can't comment on that as it wasn't really apparent from this book. However, a lot of what we know about sleep, routines and the order ( or lack thereof) of baby sleeping and waking patterns is covered by Ferber in a well laid out sort of a way.
Anyhoo, here is that checklist he advocates for teaching your baby/toddler to sleep if you're unhappy with the current state of affairs.
1) Correct the sleep association for the CHILD's benefit, not your own convenience ( i.e decide what they need and be consistent, don't pike because you are having second thoughts or chop and change to a different way each night)
2) Sleep associations/conditions ought not be stimulating or continuous. ( i.e baby falls asleep in moving car/swing/arms/near buzzing tv) How can a baby stay in deep sleep if the swing stops, the sucking of a dummy stops ( when it falls out) the bottle is empty or the tv changes from soothing infomercials to reruns of 'Two and a half men?' Also, the quality of sleep while in motion is less beneficial than sleep in bed/motionless place according to his studies of brainwaves. He doesn't rule out motion methods but when sleep training he recommends a bed and no tv!
3) Baby wakes where baby falls asleep. Don't transplant baby from your arms to bed and expect him to stay there all night! When he wakes again, he will need your arms again. He does an illustration for you about how you would feel if you went to sleep in your bed and woke somewhere else - i.e the floor and the blanket was different or you were suddenly wearing pajamas.
4) Wait until the baby is old enough to have props changed/removed. Ferber suggests 5 months as a good age to change sleep associations although he does say you can change things for little babies ( maybe not breastfeeding to sleep for example can be changed relatively easily earlier) but to be quick to stop if baby responds badly. Tread carefully, a lot of sleep props can be fixed later so don't stress too much.
6) Different sleep associations can exist at different times and places - this is ok. You may take baby for a walk for afternoon nap and not need to walk them at bedtime, they may need their alligator at Nana's but their cuddle blanket at home etc. You might find feeding your baby to sleep for naps is fine but bedtime causes middle of the night waking for unnecessary feeds... Whatever the associations, they are not necessarily problematic in themselves for some conditions. They can be changed if they start to cause trouble. You may find a similarity with Pinky McKay here.
7) If baby can settle well during naps but not in the middle of the night, don't fret, the self settling itself shows they will sort it out and that they are able to re settle. He doesn't say not to do anything but just says that it is a good thing.
8) Back to sleep cycles and times of night, waking is more frequent between the hours you REALLY need to zzzzzzzzzz. ( 10pm to 5 am)
7) If baby can settle well during naps but not in the middle of the night, don't fret, the self settling itself shows they will sort it out and that they are able to re settle. He doesn't say not to do anything but just says that it is a good thing.
8) Back to sleep cycles and times of night, waking is more frequent between the hours you REALLY need to zzzzzzzzzz. ( 10pm to 5 am)
9) Don't worry about 'spoiling' your baby by breaking the rules for travelling, sickness, nightmares etc. Just be firm and go back to the limits you originally set when illness is over and you are home from holiday. He has a chapter on nightmares and night terrors that I didn't read which you may find helpful if you have a child with these issues. The complexity of sleep phases is something I would like revisit some day.
10) LOTS and LOTS of love during the day is vital if you allow some crying methods for settling at night, the context of a loving home is essential or don't bother with a crying method.
11) Be consistent in what you do. ( notice a trend?)
10) LOTS and LOTS of love during the day is vital if you allow some crying methods for settling at night, the context of a loving home is essential or don't bother with a crying method.
11) Be consistent in what you do. ( notice a trend?)
12) Be consistent in the amount of time you leave a child to cry to settle ( i.e don't shorten the time to 2 mins if it was 5 mins the night before - however if baby sounds likes they are settling and you think they are not stressed but falling asleep, wait longer if need be)
13) Share settling responsibilities if you have a partner, the milk lady can often have trouble re-settling a night waker who no longer needs the milk but can smell it maddeningly within reach.
14) Vomitting. Hmm, this is where I think most people would pull the plug or throw the book across the room, he says toddlers can often arc themselves up to vomit a lot and that it often passes, just clean it up and stay the course ( don't forget we're talking a doctor who works with extreme sleep disorders, not a tiny baby whose needs are not being met). Robin Barker says something about this too but dryly mentions that vomitting is pretty inconvenient so it may be hard to stay the course if you are cleaning up vomit 4 times a night.
13) Share settling responsibilities if you have a partner, the milk lady can often have trouble re-settling a night waker who no longer needs the milk but can smell it maddeningly within reach.
14) Vomitting. Hmm, this is where I think most people would pull the plug or throw the book across the room, he says toddlers can often arc themselves up to vomit a lot and that it often passes, just clean it up and stay the course ( don't forget we're talking a doctor who works with extreme sleep disorders, not a tiny baby whose needs are not being met). Robin Barker says something about this too but dryly mentions that vomitting is pretty inconvenient so it may be hard to stay the course if you are cleaning up vomit 4 times a night.
15) Stick to the settling technique, if its crying, don't fear waking an older child as they tend to be more resilient than you. ( ??? Not sure about this one)
16) Explain crying to neighbours and that you are not just off watching tv or surfing the interwebs but poised outside toddler/baby/s door. This if just for your own peace of mind, or not, if your walls are paper thin.
17) DIY - don't get babysitters to look after kids with settling regime in place, unless you can involve them in the process. (Again ?) Trusted babysitter is emphasised, no strangers, preferably family and someone who can stay the course.
18) Last but not least, once your baby knows how to sleep, try not to stress if things fall apart temporarily but stay the course and don't let slips become the new settling regime.
17) DIY - don't get babysitters to look after kids with settling regime in place, unless you can involve them in the process. (Again ?) Trusted babysitter is emphasised, no strangers, preferably family and someone who can stay the course.
18) Last but not least, once your baby knows how to sleep, try not to stress if things fall apart temporarily but stay the course and don't let slips become the new settling regime.
So there you have it, Ferber. A very interesting and helpful read. Overall, quite reassuring that often night waking is more sleep than hunger after a certain age and that changes can be made - it will be difficult, but there are ways to make it happen if you are committed to it.
Baby Sleep Series
Oh, patient reader, you may have noticed I have become somewhat preoccupied with the topic of babies and their sleeping habits.
Be assured I am blessed to have in my possession a baby that is yet to develop sleep problems, or well, the appearance of them. He falls asleep in his own bed by himself and can take longer naps if he needs them usually, although he does catnap a fair bit. He also sleeps quite well at night, enough to leave me fairly lucid during the day. However as a second time parent whose daughter was sleeping through the night at the age her son is still demanding night feeds, I'm curious as to why and how this sleep thingamajig works. I'm also just interested in learning about stuff and need a new hobby horse.
I am reading across the parenting style spectrum to see what various 'experts' say and giving a general summary of them for my own interest, and hopefully yours, long suffering reader.
Summary of 'The Spectrum'
What do I mean by parenting style spectrum? I mean the spectrum between 'parent-directed feeding' (PDF) and their commonly associated settling methods and 'attachment' parenting style feeding and subsequent settling methods. I'm not really going into feeding routines or demand feeding, although these may effect sleeping and settling.
At one end of the spectrum may be the extreme of PDF settling methods where babies are left to cry for long periods ( perhaps as long as an hour) with varying degrees of attention, from listening/watching baby but not intervening, to entering the room at 2-20 minutes intervals to reassure without feeding or picking up the baby. Some methods have parents staying in the room but not picking up the baby, or making eye contact. Parent directed settling may arise out of ideological conviction or apparent necessity when other methods of getting a baby to sleep fail. Sometimes they are successful and the crying is of short duration, other times they are ongoing and upsetting for the family and then abandoned.
The other end of the spectrum may be the attachment style in which babies are rocked, cuddled, breastfed to sleep share a bed with their parents. Again many parent practises vary a lot and may involve feeding to sleep but baby sleeping in a separate room and bed, or feeding to sleep but sleeping in the same room or same bed. Or rocking to sleep or wearing baby in a front pack and then putting baby to bed. Or holding the baby or child until they are in deep sleep before putting them to bed. Attachment parenting can arise out of a deep philosophical conviction or just pure pragmatism - that it 'works'. Sometimes bed sharing in particular is enjoyed and other times tolerated.
Where do I fall, you may ask? Well, I'll get to that in due course and you may have already guessed. ;)
One thing I have found from my reading is that both 'camps' inevitably have their own kind of 'scaremongering' and mythology. For instance, parent directed models often assure parents that their child will never EVER leave their bed if they sleep with their baby, or that if they breastfeed their baby to sleep they will have to do it every time they wake in the night. In contrast, many attachment based approaches assure parents that allowing their baby to cry for 'x' amount of minutes will permanently damage their child emotionally. Maybe you yourself have stumbled into one camp because your fear of say 'never EVER sleeping again' was greater than your fear of what crying may do to your baby? Or Vice versa?
Or maybe, happy Socrates, you just fed your baby to sleep one day and voila! it worked and now they are 6 and happily go to bed without it? Or maybe you stood nervously outside your baby's door for a few minutes while they cried, or perhaps you just needed the loo and went guiltily while your baby was crying in their bed, you were gone but a minute, but voila! Your baby slept and now they are in kindy and are the sunniest of little people. Oh happy Socrates!
I, a former systems analyst cannot let things be, I hanker to understand night waking and sleep cycles, crying and cortisol, overstimulation and understimulation.
My first step into this murky subject is to read Dr Richard Ferber MD's 'Solve your child's sleep problems'.
However, now I have to go and feed the baby.
Be assured I am blessed to have in my possession a baby that is yet to develop sleep problems, or well, the appearance of them. He falls asleep in his own bed by himself and can take longer naps if he needs them usually, although he does catnap a fair bit. He also sleeps quite well at night, enough to leave me fairly lucid during the day. However as a second time parent whose daughter was sleeping through the night at the age her son is still demanding night feeds, I'm curious as to why and how this sleep thingamajig works. I'm also just interested in learning about stuff and need a new hobby horse.
I am reading across the parenting style spectrum to see what various 'experts' say and giving a general summary of them for my own interest, and hopefully yours, long suffering reader.
Summary of 'The Spectrum'
What do I mean by parenting style spectrum? I mean the spectrum between 'parent-directed feeding' (PDF) and their commonly associated settling methods and 'attachment' parenting style feeding and subsequent settling methods. I'm not really going into feeding routines or demand feeding, although these may effect sleeping and settling.
At one end of the spectrum may be the extreme of PDF settling methods where babies are left to cry for long periods ( perhaps as long as an hour) with varying degrees of attention, from listening/watching baby but not intervening, to entering the room at 2-20 minutes intervals to reassure without feeding or picking up the baby. Some methods have parents staying in the room but not picking up the baby, or making eye contact. Parent directed settling may arise out of ideological conviction or apparent necessity when other methods of getting a baby to sleep fail. Sometimes they are successful and the crying is of short duration, other times they are ongoing and upsetting for the family and then abandoned.
The other end of the spectrum may be the attachment style in which babies are rocked, cuddled, breastfed to sleep share a bed with their parents. Again many parent practises vary a lot and may involve feeding to sleep but baby sleeping in a separate room and bed, or feeding to sleep but sleeping in the same room or same bed. Or rocking to sleep or wearing baby in a front pack and then putting baby to bed. Or holding the baby or child until they are in deep sleep before putting them to bed. Attachment parenting can arise out of a deep philosophical conviction or just pure pragmatism - that it 'works'. Sometimes bed sharing in particular is enjoyed and other times tolerated.
Where do I fall, you may ask? Well, I'll get to that in due course and you may have already guessed. ;)
One thing I have found from my reading is that both 'camps' inevitably have their own kind of 'scaremongering' and mythology. For instance, parent directed models often assure parents that their child will never EVER leave their bed if they sleep with their baby, or that if they breastfeed their baby to sleep they will have to do it every time they wake in the night. In contrast, many attachment based approaches assure parents that allowing their baby to cry for 'x' amount of minutes will permanently damage their child emotionally. Maybe you yourself have stumbled into one camp because your fear of say 'never EVER sleeping again' was greater than your fear of what crying may do to your baby? Or Vice versa?
Or maybe, happy Socrates, you just fed your baby to sleep one day and voila! it worked and now they are 6 and happily go to bed without it? Or maybe you stood nervously outside your baby's door for a few minutes while they cried, or perhaps you just needed the loo and went guiltily while your baby was crying in their bed, you were gone but a minute, but voila! Your baby slept and now they are in kindy and are the sunniest of little people. Oh happy Socrates!
I, a former systems analyst cannot let things be, I hanker to understand night waking and sleep cycles, crying and cortisol, overstimulation and understimulation.
My first step into this murky subject is to read Dr Richard Ferber MD's 'Solve your child's sleep problems'.
However, now I have to go and feed the baby.
Friday, June 17, 2011
One year old
Dear reader,
I have so much to write about. my mind ticks and tumbles over itself during my busy hours, and when my baby is in bed, alas, my brain stops and falls into stop - start mode. Activity seems to trigger writing, and inactivity to stall it. God knows I have had no shortage of activity.
Having a one year old is full of many pleasures and blessings, breastfeeding can be relegated to the early morning and evening before bed, mushy food gets less frequent and finger food that can be passed to baby in cafes, in the car, in highchair, while playing is truly freeing.
Evangeline is a delightful one year old who gets very clingy and fussy when we stay at home too much but who remarkably is only too pleased to leave her mum at playgroups, libraries or anywhere else there are people and colour and toys.
One sleep a day is truly marvellous!
God has been convicting me of many things and taking me step by step through the things he wants me to learn. 'The Prodigal God' by Tim Keller book and bible study has been convicting me again to run back to Jesus and find all my rest, assurance and hope in Him. I have not found such a comfort in many years. In the morning in my 'quiet times' ( ha! haven't had a quiet time in the morning in a year now!) I am slowly reading Romans and reminding myself of God's justice and mercy. Revisiting the way I first believed is truly powerful.
Its hard to blog now, a mess of ideas from Brownies to Evangeline's talking to my time with God to wondering where we will be working together next year all mix together and make a messy dish of ideas. However, I MUST write something or it will lie dormant inside me again.
I have so much to write about. my mind ticks and tumbles over itself during my busy hours, and when my baby is in bed, alas, my brain stops and falls into stop - start mode. Activity seems to trigger writing, and inactivity to stall it. God knows I have had no shortage of activity.
Having a one year old is full of many pleasures and blessings, breastfeeding can be relegated to the early morning and evening before bed, mushy food gets less frequent and finger food that can be passed to baby in cafes, in the car, in highchair, while playing is truly freeing.
Evangeline is a delightful one year old who gets very clingy and fussy when we stay at home too much but who remarkably is only too pleased to leave her mum at playgroups, libraries or anywhere else there are people and colour and toys.
One sleep a day is truly marvellous!
God has been convicting me of many things and taking me step by step through the things he wants me to learn. 'The Prodigal God' by Tim Keller book and bible study has been convicting me again to run back to Jesus and find all my rest, assurance and hope in Him. I have not found such a comfort in many years. In the morning in my 'quiet times' ( ha! haven't had a quiet time in the morning in a year now!) I am slowly reading Romans and reminding myself of God's justice and mercy. Revisiting the way I first believed is truly powerful.
Its hard to blog now, a mess of ideas from Brownies to Evangeline's talking to my time with God to wondering where we will be working together next year all mix together and make a messy dish of ideas. However, I MUST write something or it will lie dormant inside me again.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
9 months old update
OK,. I just remembered I was going to blog about 'the poison of the sidelong glance' sermon by Ben Merkle, which was a fantastically comforting but confronting look at our disconetentment being caused by looking at other people's 'slice of pie' and envying. I will get to that soon, right now I need to reflect on how big my daughter is getting!
9 months old - update.
Wow! Evangeline! You are really incredible at the moment. You swing between being more affectionate and more independant, more clingy and more determined to achieve things. Sometimes I can't finish making dinner/vaccuming the floor or other household tasks and other times you get bored of me reading and playing with you and just want to held standing up while you get on with the big business of growing.
You really cuddle now. when I get you up from sleeps you wrap your arms around me and I don't want to let you go but you quickly become interested in touching and looking at everything you can see. You love your books now, the only way I can get you to stay still on the change table is to give you a bath book, which you read, turning pages and only occasionally eating it...
Your voice is becoming more like a child and less like a baby - you are also starting to mimic me, making sounds like I do and sometimes trying to say the words I say. You watch my mouth closely when I talk. Your body is becoming amazingly mobile and strong, you can't yet crawl, I think your efforts disappoint you so you just end up 'skydiving' and asking to be held standing a lot. You take steps now too without me moving your feet.
You get impatient and throw your body back and arch yourself if I try and put you where you don't want to be! This is pretty hard on your poor mumum as I can't hold you and brown chicken at the same time and I end up having to watch you throw a tantrum in your playpen until I can't bear it any longer and take a break to hold you for 5 mins to calm you down, then put you down and repeat the cycle.
Also, you seem to be losing interest in breastfeeding. You would not take your night feed tonight, the first time ever. Your old mum is super sooky about it but just gave you a sippy cup of water instead. *Sigh*.
We love you, but you kind of frighten us, as we look at you and think it is only a matter of time before you grow up and start running the country or something, you are so determined and strong. We love you, we love you.
9 months old - update.
Wow! Evangeline! You are really incredible at the moment. You swing between being more affectionate and more independant, more clingy and more determined to achieve things. Sometimes I can't finish making dinner/vaccuming the floor or other household tasks and other times you get bored of me reading and playing with you and just want to held standing up while you get on with the big business of growing.
You really cuddle now. when I get you up from sleeps you wrap your arms around me and I don't want to let you go but you quickly become interested in touching and looking at everything you can see. You love your books now, the only way I can get you to stay still on the change table is to give you a bath book, which you read, turning pages and only occasionally eating it...
Your voice is becoming more like a child and less like a baby - you are also starting to mimic me, making sounds like I do and sometimes trying to say the words I say. You watch my mouth closely when I talk. Your body is becoming amazingly mobile and strong, you can't yet crawl, I think your efforts disappoint you so you just end up 'skydiving' and asking to be held standing a lot. You take steps now too without me moving your feet.
You get impatient and throw your body back and arch yourself if I try and put you where you don't want to be! This is pretty hard on your poor mumum as I can't hold you and brown chicken at the same time and I end up having to watch you throw a tantrum in your playpen until I can't bear it any longer and take a break to hold you for 5 mins to calm you down, then put you down and repeat the cycle.
Also, you seem to be losing interest in breastfeeding. You would not take your night feed tonight, the first time ever. Your old mum is super sooky about it but just gave you a sippy cup of water instead. *Sigh*.
We love you, but you kind of frighten us, as we look at you and think it is only a matter of time before you grow up and start running the country or something, you are so determined and strong. We love you, we love you.
Friday, February 11, 2011
8 Months - Update
I'm stealing an idea from Xapis at wordpress whose blog I have been following all through her pregnancy right up to now that her DS is 18 months old.
Dear Evangeline,
You are 8 months old this week. You really are amazing. You are saying 'Mama' now. I'm not sure if you know what it means, but it's still really special to hear it. You aren't crawling yet but you like roaming around on your tummy and playing with toys. You will also stand-up for as long as any poor sucker will let you. You stiffen your legs to try and stop us from putting you back down on your bottom!
You talk quite a lot, saying various consonants before 'ah' (B, W, L, J) and squeal with delight a lot. You like your 'lift the flap' books and enjoy playing 'peekaboo'. So do we!
Your dadad reads you poetry quite often, your mumum often sings to you, you seem to like this.
You are very beautiful to us, your face is taking shape
You have two little bottom teeth, soft soft skin and you are still fitting your size '0's well enough in most brands. You eyes are such a vivid blue, you get a lot of comments about them. You look like your grandpa.
You seem to like kisses and snuggles and you still seem to like breastfeeding, but you also love food. You ate a toast soldier today, the whole thing! I just gave it to you to give you something to chew, but then it was gone!
You started playing with your shaker a lot more lately, your start playing when I play 'The Eyes Don't Lie' by the Steadfast Shepheard, a song that I have been playing for you and shaking the egg to for a few months now. You bounce up and down like you have good rhythm.
Your dadad and I are so proud of you.
XOXOXOX Love,
Mumum
Dear Evangeline,
You are 8 months old this week. You really are amazing. You are saying 'Mama' now. I'm not sure if you know what it means, but it's still really special to hear it. You aren't crawling yet but you like roaming around on your tummy and playing with toys. You will also stand-up for as long as any poor sucker will let you. You stiffen your legs to try and stop us from putting you back down on your bottom!
You talk quite a lot, saying various consonants before 'ah' (B, W, L, J) and squeal with delight a lot. You like your 'lift the flap' books and enjoy playing 'peekaboo'. So do we!
Your dadad reads you poetry quite often, your mumum often sings to you, you seem to like this.
You are very beautiful to us, your face is taking shape
You have two little bottom teeth, soft soft skin and you are still fitting your size '0's well enough in most brands. You eyes are such a vivid blue, you get a lot of comments about them. You look like your grandpa.
You seem to like kisses and snuggles and you still seem to like breastfeeding, but you also love food. You ate a toast soldier today, the whole thing! I just gave it to you to give you something to chew, but then it was gone!
You started playing with your shaker a lot more lately, your start playing when I play 'The Eyes Don't Lie' by the Steadfast Shepheard, a song that I have been playing for you and shaking the egg to for a few months now. You bounce up and down like you have good rhythm.
Your dadad and I are so proud of you.
XOXOXOX Love,
Mumum
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Separation Anxiety
Storing all these things up in her heart
So this post is about separation anxiety, the weird thing is, I think feel it more than Evangeline! Sometimes I find myself watching her play with her new tooth or doing an unexpectedly coordinated 'victory dance' in her highchair - then it strikes me...
My baby is going to grow up, and go to uni and work and maybe get married and maybe live in a country away from me - perhaps even die before me. Perhaps, worst of all, she may never know Christ - which would be the worst grief of all.
No marriage in heaven?
That thought gives way to another, in that Jesus said that in heaven, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage. In that case, I suppose there is also no procreation? How can that be?
Perhaps, as the 'teacher' said in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for every activity under heaven. Is marriage a temporary institution to illustrate Christ's sacrifice on the Cross? Also, the church's submission to Christ? What about children? are they meant to tug and break our hearts to show how God has suffered at our turning away?
If my finite love for my child fills me to bursting point sometimes, how must God love us?! Need I even ask when he willingly gave His own Son for us in a way that completely washes us clean of our turning away and teenage style rebellion?
As Cowper wrote - 'and sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains'.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Poured out like a drink offering
I am feeling much more refreshed after a week away at Tasmanian Christian Convention and more motivated to keep absorbing scripture. One thing I found comforting was talking to some men who also struggle to sit still while reading the scriptures - Peter Woodcock thought it was silly to sit still! I am listening to sermons by John Piper as I take Evangeline for walks and visiting other churches when I can to get as much spiritual food as I can during these endless summer evenings.
Work
Feeling a pull to go back to paid work already, its not worldy pressure of 'all my friends are working' or a desire to have more money for things although I would like to have more money to put away - but just an urge to use my skills a few days a week. I am torn as I would miss my daughter painfully and she is still so young, only 7 months, however I know I won't get the first job I try for, and I am praying for babysitting/child care opportunities that don't hurt me and make things easier for Evangeline.
I would like to be the kind of thrifty housewife who makes everything by hand and somehow manages to buy a field from selling my homemade things on ebay or something ( in a kind of modern equivalent of the proverbs 31 wife) but I'm not her! I did a Masters degree and have worked to support my husband through college and feel odd not working. Just praying for the right opportunity...
Saturday, June 05, 2010
39 weeks prego - Thursdays are bad
I'm 39 weeks pregnant now and can reasonably expect the appearance of someone special very soon. I have one last week of 'work' ( but I tend to get up at 9 am and then work at my desk for several hours, have a long lunch break and then knock off for the day at 3pm).
I tried organising the baby's room but had no shelves or wardrobes to put anything more away and that probably wouldn;t have satisfied me either. Then I was too stuffed to really do anything and decided lying listlessly on my bed and crying was in order. At least there I could comfortably feel sorry for myself.
I had a headache all day, the skin of my belly was stretching again and I just wanted this all to be over. To meet our baby and start working through tears and nappies and feeding and sleeping issues and immunisation and 'colic' and learning to use time effectively when every 2+ hours there needs to be another feed and nappy change.
It seemed to happen last Thursday too, I wonder why Thursday?
Then the next day when I was feeling brighter and less moody, I stumbled across a cd of my old writing. There was a brief piece about Luke and our early relationship. We had just starting going out together and sharing our lives. My writing was stumbling ahead in our relationship - desperately wanting to know how this would end. Would we decide to marry and be joined in Christ for life? Or would it end and my hopes be dashed?
At Luke's 24th birthday dinner, a month after we started to 'date' I gave him a beautiful, hard-cover second-hand illustrated edition of 'Pilgrim's Progress' and inscribed it for his 'hypothetical children' in gold pen.
At last, we have come full circle and I need to trust that God has this, even my unpredictable body holding this precious cargo, in hand.