So, on to Pinky McKay. I know this is probably not the best Pinky McKay book to really understand Pinky but as I have a 10 week old and a toddler I just grabbed the only one available at the library and scarpered. I'm sure Pinky fans can tell me what is typical or not.
Pinky McKay falls into the 'attachment' end of the parenting spectrum, she describes herself as a former nurse and mother of five. She is very passionate about encouraging breastfeeding and what she calls 'gentle' parenting techniques. She runs her own sleep consultation practise, helping with lactation and sleep issues, so if you like her style, she offers consultations online and at her practise in Melbourne. She does a lot of writing, consulting etc, her website can tell you more.
'100 ways to calm the crying' is two things:
* A cry of the heart from parents who are struggling to care for babies that cry a lot. A lot of personal family stories are interspersed between the advice and suggestions that Pinky offers. These are compelling and will resonate with parents in the same boat.
* A big hug and a pat on the back to any readers who are feeling unsupported in their 'no cry' methods, or depressed from the constant crying; or lacking confidence in their breastfeeding, settling or mothering in general
Pinky's compelling introduction describes a moment every mother probably experiences at least once and some far too often, the moment when your baby will not stop crying and you can't either- then you wonder helplessly, 'what can I do?'.
As Pinky's book is a response to many families and others like them that she has worked with, she covers a lot of ideas and points, each running into the other, more or less systematically. First, she makes a point of trying to remove the stigma of crying. Our culture doesn't like it when babies cry and it can be difficult for mothers whose babies cry a lot, especially when they are trying to do normal things like get milk and bread or do phone banking. She explains that babies have limited communication and crying ALWAYS means something. It can be :
* Emotional ( lonely, overtired, frustrated and releasing stress)
* Environmental ( lights too bright, too many people, too noisy)
* Developmental ( constant change in baby's brain, body etc can cause upheaval=crying)
* Temperament ( baby could be sensitive, high needs ( quotes Dr Sears here)
Pinky goes on to say, like Ferber, that comforting will not spoil your child, however, she dislikes the term controlled crying and parent directed methods as she believes that people who practise these methods believe a baby is manipulating through their crying, rather than communicating. This may be a fair cop if controlled crying methods fail to listen to the cry rather than counting minutes.
Pinky then talks about what it's like for a baby in the womb and why a baby loves darkness, warmth, movement and continuous noise. She talks about how easy it is to overstimulate a young baby as this world is just too full of light and different experiences. She gives an excellent tip that I have filed away - when your baby eyes get too wide or conversely the baby suddenly falls asleep at a time when they would not usually, they may be overloaded and its time to take them to a quiet place. Babywise also talks about this kind of neurological shutdown as a kind of coping mechanism. This shutdown is a protection for babies, but a baby whose eyes are bugging out of its head with excitement has probably lost this ability and needs a cuddle in a quiet room, stat!
She outlines ways to comfort a baby, no surprises here,
*sucking ( breast, fingers, dummies if you don't mind weaning later etc)
*slings are great to keep babies warm and close to heartbeat
*natural fibres like cotton don't irritate skin
* bath is relaxing
* alternative therapies can help - osteopathy, chiropractry, aromatherapy
As I said, Pinky's ideas run together a bit and it's hard to cover them all in a summary/review without getting too wordy - but Pinky says something I wish every breastfeeding mum would hear - not to worry too much about baby's weight as long as they ARE gaining weight, having 8 wet/pooey nappies a day and seem alert and happy. Percentile charts can be stressful, especially if you have produced a petite baby - which a lot of more petite ladies do. The pressure to bottle feed when babies are lower on the percentile chart may be unhelpful as it can stress out mums and also reduce milk supply leading to unplanned weaning. However Pinky also gives some tips about how to bond if you ARE happy to bottle feed.
Bedtime rituals are all good and she makes a point of saying feeding a baby to sleep is not the unforgivable sin it is made out to be, but also gives a technique for weaning off feeding to sleep if it becomes the only way your baby can re-settle, this is cool. She suggests gentle ways to help baby sleep all night like feeding more in the day, doing a dream feed etc.
A chapter on settling techniques yields no surprises either, walk, rock, sling, drive baby - white noise, music, sing, pat baby etc - except one I had not heard of which was to ride an exercise bike with baby in a sling or carrier...Hmmmm, I wonder if they would let me do that at my gym!
Pinky's chapter on coping or not coping is very raw and talks about the range of unfortunately normal emotions that go with the very stressful situation of having a baby that cries a lot. There are many stories from parents in this chapter. If you feel like this then this book will probably make you weep.
Another strength of this book is that Pinky clearly has experience with families of crying babies who also have a toddler, and the painful emotions mothers can experience because of the guilt of not being able to play with their toddler or older child. She suggests having a special play corner for feeding and crying times.
She also suggests asking for help, expert and otherwise, but also warns that some expert help can advocate methods that you are uncomfortable with, so don't let them tell you how to parent. Example of an MBU experience where a mother was reduced to tears by a 'cry' method.
My one criticism of Pinky's book is that it is quite defensive. I understand it is a manual for parents who have been encouraged to try 'cry' methods and that these have clearly been unsuccessful and painful for the parents. I also understand that the parents have insensitively been told ( by family, experts or 'them') not to feed their baby to sleep or cuddle their baby when they are crying and that was deeply traumatic for them. However, I still think there is a place for 'cry'methods in a loving home provided baby's needs ( emotional too!) are met, but then, I don't have a baby that cries alot and feeding to sleep doesn't work on my baby either!
But more of that in subsequent posts, Pinky clearly has a message that parents need. Be confident!
Be positive! Parent how you want to and if problems arise from feeding to sleep/rocking etc, they can be changed so just enjoy your baby as much as you can, and the crying will stop one day.
